


I Am A Biotic Dog!

by ApocalypseThen



Series: Dog!Shep AU [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Comedy, F/F, F/M, M/M, Mass Effect Kink Meme, Service Dogs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-29
Updated: 2015-10-04
Packaged: 2018-04-23 23:02:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4895662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ApocalypseThen/pseuds/ApocalypseThen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard and her loyal crew fight Reapers. She'll win the war for them. All she asks is that Kaidan rubs her tummy occasionally.</p><p>Because she's a dog.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Her Master's Voice

**Author's Note:**

> http://masseffectkink.livejournal.com/9115.html?thread=43903131#t43903131
> 
> "Shepard as a dog. Not an anthro dog or anything but just a normal, nontalking dog which can only bark and can use guns somehow. Everyone notices it but nobody really wants to mention how a dog saved the Citadel/defeated the Collectors/survived Mindoir/Akuze/Torfan/Earthborn background et cetera."

Kaidan let out a groan as he began to stretch uncomfortably. He reached behind him to grab Rodrigo's wrist. “Slower, Rod,” he said. “Remember, we've got all night.”

“And I don't want to waste a second,” replied Rodrigo. Rodrigo Schmidt, Brazilian of German extraction, six feet of lithe bronze muscle with piercingly blue eyes, pulled back nevertheless.

Why an overworked doctor on the Citadel would have the washboard abs and chiselled jaw of a fashion model, Kaidan had never ascertained. But his dick... oh, his dick had a license to practice all of its own, and it was the best medicine for Kaidan's affliction. 

It had been months, though, since they'd seen each other last, and Kaidan was out of practice. Rodrigo pressed his case again, his arms bulging with the effort of restraining himself. Kaidan let out another gasp of pain, screwing up his eyes. 

A loud interrogative bark made him open his eyes. Shepard was awake and sitting up in her bed. He couldn't stop himself moaning again from the treatment he was receiving, pain that he knew would subside soon enough and just start to feel good, but for the moment, hurt like hell.

Shepard responded with a flurry of warning barks directed at Rodrigo. He started in surprise, his arms giving way, and he slipped inside Kaidan's ring of muscle in one sudden movement. Kaidan cried out, more in surprise than any huge change in the pain level. Normally it was his favourite part, the feeling of being full to the hilt, wrapped up in those powerful arms, pressed down by that muscular bulk.

Shepard reacted to neutralize the threat to her master. She leapt onto the bed, snarling, and knocked Rodrigo sideways, levering herself between the two men. Rodrigo slipped out of Kaidan with a wet sound and he went over on his back. Shepard placed two paws on his chest and commenced with the snarling and the baring of teeth.

Kaidan finally reacted. “Shepard! No! Down, girl!”

Shepard barked her obvious disagreement.

“Right now, Shepard! Bad girl!” Kaidan insisted. Shepard complied, walking off the bed haughtily and sitting facing the foot of the bed, tail curled around her. 

_Bad girl_ was heavy language for a dog as well trained as Shepard. He only used it in the most serious of situations. He'd have to rebuild trust with her later, but for the moment, Rodrigo was his first priority.

“Rodrigo, I'm sorry,” said Kaidan, leaning over to check his lover was unhurt.

“I'm fine,” replied Rodrigo. But his manhood had retreated from its show of strength to a small afterthought between his balls. And nothing Kaidan tried could get the patient to recover. Not with Shepard's unflinching gaze upon them.

“Can't you put the dog outside, Kaidan?” asked Rodrigo.

“I would, but...” Kaidan was aware that it sounded ridiculous, but that's just how it was. “It's her cabin too.”

Rodrigo dressed in furious silence. The rhythmic thump of Shepard's tail against the cabin floor started the moment the door slid shut behind him. Kaidan sighed. “Pleased with yourself, Shepard?” he asked.

Shepard cocked her head to the side and barked once.

Kaidan flopped back onto the bed and muttered to himself. “Cockblocked by a _dog_. I am going to have words with Anderson.”

Shepard barked again at the mention of Anderson's name.


	2. Doghouse Rules

Down in the CIC, Samantha was at her station running her suite of heuristic algorithms on a message sequence. Out of nowhere she was beset by the irresistible urge to sneeze, one of those will-it, won't-it affairs where a deep breath is followed by a near miss, followed by a deeper breath, and another attempt, until when it finally pops out, it nearly takes half your head off. And earns you looks from the entire command crew.

Shepard put two paws up on Samantha's console and whined interrogatively at her. “Shepard,” gasped Samantha through watering eyes. “Just let me...” She fished for an inhaler in her trouser pocket and fumbled it when a more ordinary-sized sneeze took her by surprise. It went skittering off under the holographic display.

Shepard trotted over to pick it up in her mouth. She dropped it at Samantha's feet. “Ah... thank you? Shepard?” said Samantha, as she bent to pick up the rather wet inhaler. She cleaned up the dog spit as best she could. She didn't really have time to go find another. If Shepard stuck around she'd be sneezing for hours. She closed her eyes, thought of England, and took a puff.

Relief was immediate. Shepard sat pressed up against Samantha and her tail began to bat at her legs.

Samantha wasn't quite sure how she was supposed to treat Shepard. Was the dog of a superior officer also a superior officer? Or more like a ship's mascot? It was rather confusing. Certainly Shepard seemed to have the run of the ship and had well-developed relationships with most of the crew.

Samantha settled on just telling Shepard about her day, so that it didn't seem like she was ignoring her. It was comforting to have a warm body pressed up against her, once her allergic reaction had been dealt with.

“So I'm just going over some SigInt. That's Signals Intelligence, but I suppose you know that already,” she began. “I'm sorry if I sound patronising, I don't know how much of this you're familiar with.” Samantha reflected that she didn't have to worry about being patronising. She was explaining her job to a dog. She sounded completely bonkers.

“We have this lot of intercepts that I'm filtering for anomalies. The Normandy has significant intel processing resources for a ship her size, thanks to EDI.”

Shepard barked.

“Of course, you know her already. I coordinate with the fleets to distribute and analyse intelligence,” she continued.

Samantha's console chimed. Shepard started slightly and her ears rotated forwards.

“That means there's a possible match on one of my filters that I should take a look at,” Samantha explained, leaning over her console to pull up the info. She read through it quickly, one hand dropping to Shepard's head to scratch the glossy fur between her ears. Shepard's tongue lolled out.

“EDI?” she asked. Shepard barked again at the name. “There's something odd about this event log,” she said, half to EDI, half to Shepard. “The timestamps are off.”

EDI's voice came over the comm. “There is an anomaly. I am sending my platform to assist you.”

“Oh, there's really no need for that,” Samantha babbled.

“I am trying to gauge the crew's reactions to my new platform,” replied EDI. “You will provide me with valuable data.” Yes, my robotic overlord, thought Samantha. Samantha could see EDI sashaying down from the bridge, and waited until she had arrived.

Shepard's fur bristled as EDI came closer. She stood up on all fours and put Samantha between her and EDI, peering around Samantha's legs at this unwelcome development.

“Greetings, Specialist. Hello, Shepard,” said EDI.

Shepard whined a little bit but otherwise quietly kept her gaze fixed on EDI. Watching for sudden moves.

“Hello, EDI,” replied Samantha, who believed in politeness, even though greeting an AI who was watching you every second was probably unnecessary. 

“The response to the distress call that you have flagged lacks the proper authorisation codes for the time at which it was emitted,” EDI explained. “There is one other example in my database.”

Samantha could feel Shepard shaking behind her the longer EDI spoke. 

“It was a trap laid by Cerberus,” EDI finished.

Shepard unleashed a flurry of barks, ears flat to her head, head low to the ground. Heads turned in the CIC.

“Shepard!” said EDI. “Bad girl!”

Shepard stopped barking and rocked back on her butt, the tone of EDI's admonishment surprising her. 

“We should inform the Commander,” said EDI to Samantha.

“I'll send him a message,” replied Samantha. That was quickly done. She turned to EDI again. “Shepard doesn't seem to like you,” she said.

“It is unfortunate,” said EDI. “I had hoped that this platform would allow her to make an emotional connection.”

“Maybe you don't smell right,” suggested Samantha. “Dogs have a very keen sense of smell.”

“I think it is more likely that she still considers me to be one of them,” said EDI. “Shepard did not enjoy her time with C-e-r-b-e-r-u-s.”

Shepard's spelling was good enough that she barked twice, but stopped after a severe look from EDI.

“What happened?” asked Samantha. “If you don't mind me asking,” she added, addressing Shepard. Asking permission from the dog might be taking politeness too far, Sam, she told herself.

“Miranda Lawson,” began EDI, before being interrupted by a loud bark and a snarl, but thankfully no more, “tried to put a _leash_ on her.”

Samantha hadn't known Shepard for very long, but could see how that could have gone very badly indeed. “Goodness,” she said. It didn't seem adequate.

“I am afraid that I was obliged to assist with Operative Lawson's plans,” said EDI. A low growl from Shepard at the mention of Miranda's name. “It was difficult enough to get her to wear a Cerberus collar. Shepard does not seem to have forgotten my role.”

“I'm sure she'll get over it eventually,” reassured Samantha.

“Shepard is tenacious,” replied EDI. “Oh!”

Shepard had cocked a leg against EDI's chassis and was unleashing a stream of yellow disdain.

Samantha couldn't stop herself from giggling, only partly in surprise. She covered her mouth with her hand but the laughter bubbled up out of her, a little hysterically. EDI's expression, complete synthetic incomprehension, was priceless.

“Bad girl, Shepard!” said EDI again. Samantha noticed that she modulated her tone to imply frustration. Her mimicry of human intonations was improving all the time.

Shepard finished and retreated to sit by Samantha, and was quite undisturbed. 

Samantha got the shakes under control. “Sorry! Sorry, EDI, it's not funny.”

“Jeff will be amused,” said EDI drily. “But I am disappointed,” she said, addressing the dog. Definitely just the dog and not Samantha. “Remember. Good girls get the collar,” she said, as if it was something she'd said many times before. “Bad girls get the collar _and the leash_.”

Shepard had the last word, barking as EDI turned her back and walked off.

Samantha watched EDI's chassis shimmy as it retreated, and didn't quite notice her hand reaching up to check her neck for an imaginary collar. She pulled herself together quickly as Kaidan stepped out of the War room and approached her.

Shepard's tail began to wag again.

“Specialist,” he nodded at her. “Your message said it was important.”

“Yes, Commander,” she replied. “Grissom academy is under attack by Cerberus forces.”

“Put it up on the galaxy map, Specialist,” said Kaidan, who clearly knew what Grissom was for. “We can't have them getting their hands on those kids.”

A blinking symbol appeared on the holographic display. Shepard's ears perked up and she trotted up the steps to look down at the map. 

Then she jumped down into the display to get a closer look. She barked each time the new symbol flashed with the Cerberus logo.

“Guess we're going straight there,” muttered Kaidan under his breath.


	3. Grrrrrrr-issom

Kaidan signalled his team to hold as he saw Shepard freeze, her ears twitching. He followed her gaze to the two Cerberus troopers crowding a frightened student generating a barrier. They had their backs turned.

Shepard turned around to look at him. Kaidan knelt and beckoned her over. He pulled a grenade from his belt and held up five fingers. Shepard trotted over and he armed it, letting her take it in her mouth.

Fortunately, Alliance grenades were waterproof. Shepard padded silently over to the Cerberus troopers and set the grenade on the ground between them. She retreated behind a wrecked bench. At the four count, she barked once.

The Cerberus troopers just had time to turn and recognise their imminent fate before the grenade took them both out.

Shepard's tail wagged as Kaidan reassured the exhausted student.

They proceeded until they came upon an engineer preparing an Atlas mech. Kaidan looked down at Shepard, and nodded. 

Shepard stopped a few feet ahead of the engineer. She barked to attract his attention. He whirled around and brought his gun to bear. “A dog?” he said, lowering his weapon. Shepard lowered her head and approached, sniffing around his feet. He knelt and flipped up his visor, reaching out to pet her, at which point Garrus let him have a bullet in the face.

In the next room they found a full scale assault under way, led by another of the huge mechs, supported by swarms of Cerberus soldiers.

Abandoning stealth, Kaidan let out a high pitched whistle. Shepard took off like a rocket, racing around the edge of the room to the left. Meanwhile he ordered Garrus and James to set up a kill-zone in the open space on the right.

Kaidan whistled again, a modulated two-tone phrase. Shepard cut towards the middle of the hall. The Cerberus forces recoiled from her. You could practically read their lips: “What the fu...?”

Shepard zigged and zagged on the left flank, darting back and forth. One or two soldiers tried to take potshots at her, but she was too quick.

Too late, the Cerberus troops realized that they had been herded into the kill-zone, where Garrus and James let them have it. Kaidan dispatched stragglers with his pistol. 

They turned their attention to the Atlas mech. Without ground support it was slow and vulnerable. “Shepard!” called Kaidan, once they had its shields down. “Up high!” He made a gesture with his arm, like dunking a basketball.

Shepard took a run-up and leapt up on to the mech. She landed on its shoulder, scrabbled briefly for purchase and hopped on top of the canopy. The driver tried to crane his head around her doggy undercarriage, to get a look at what she was doing. 

Shepard found the panel she was looking for and put her paw to it just as the driver swung the Atlas in an attempt to throw her off. She used the momentum, letting herself slide clear as the emergency release activated and the canopy flipped up.

James tossed in a grenade.

All enemies were down, but Shepard had taken up position in the middle of the hall, and was snarling, her head low, her hind legs coiled and ready.

A war cry went up from the balcony where the biotic students were taking down their barrier. A thin, short, under-dressed woman vaulted the railing and dropped to the floor, where she assumed a wide stance, guard up.

“Shepard!” hissed Jack. She let her left foot slide back, and shifted her weight forward onto her toes. A blue glow enveloped her.

Shepard snarled and pawed at the ground in front of her.

Kaidan was about to step forward when with a yell and a bark, respectively, they sprang towards each other. Shepard's tongue flapped out of the side of her mouth. Kaidan thought he must be seeing things, because so did Jack's.

They leapt into the air at the same moment, Jack with arms wide and leading with her bared teeth, Shepard much the same. 

The first few tumbles were difficult for any observer to comprehend, but it became clear when Shepard sprang away, and Jack rolled up into a crouch, and they jumped at each other again...

They were _playing_.

And Jack was _winning_. Because now Shepard had rolled over to show her stomach, and Jack was burying her face in it, and Shepard was loving it, all four paws scrabbling at the air.

Eventually Shepard got to her feet, gave Jack an enthusiastic lick across the face, and padded back over to Kaidan.

The students, who'd had a great view from up on the balcony, were on their feet, giving Jack a standing ovation. “Yeah!” “Woo!” “Leader of the pack!” “I will destro-ow-ow-owooooo!”

Jack looked up at the young woman, Rodriguez, who had cupped her hands to either side of her mouth to enhance the howl, and couldn't hide her smile, which was why Kaidan was surprised when she stomped over and slugged him in the face.

“What the hell was that for?” he asked her, dumbfounded. Honestly, this was why he had gone gay. You save a girl's life but she's got more important things she wants to talk about.

“You put her in a kennel for _six months_ , you asshole!” Jack raged at him.

“I was in jail!” he protested. “They don't allow pets!”

Thankfully, Kahlee Sanders interrupted over the comm. Unfortunately, she also wanted to give him an earful. “You brought Shepard? Why didn't you tell me?”

Shepard barked at the sound of Kahlee's voice. “I missed you too, honey,” replied Kahlee.

“Can we please just get out of here?” begged Kaidan.

Shepard barked again and went over to stand facing the door. She looked around at Kaidan expectantly.

“Yes, ma'am,” he muttered, and went to find the door release.

The wide open space of the atrium was awash with Cerberus forces, well dug in with shield generators in defensible positions, and an Atlas providing covering fire.

Kaidan assessed the situation and decided it was time. “OK, girl. Do what you do.” He reached into the fur under Shepard's collar and activated her implant. Ordering Garrus and James to cover their flanks, he moved up along the ramp to the right.

Kaidan targeted a Cerberus engineer and blasted him with a supercooled jet of particles. Shepard barked her acknowledgement and broke into a run. Fifty feet from the chilled engineer she dissolved in a blur of blue light.

The engineer exploded into a thousand fragments. Shepard stood on all fours amidst a circle of shocked Cerberus soldiers. She shook ice out of her fur and growled. They hurriedly brought their guns to bear on her, but before they could take aim...

Kaidan lit up another target, and she was gone.

They didn't stand a chance.


	4. Bad Girls Get All The Girls

“Re-engineer pituitary bypass? No. Augment tryptophase sensitivity? No. Use tissue from redundant...oh!” Mordin's thoughts were interrupted by Shepard, who rose on her hind legs to drop a small pack of medi-gel on the lab bench beside him.

“Medi-gel; small quantity; suitable for minor injuries. Query,” he addressed Shepard. “Do you require medical assistance?”

Shepard barked and looked at the krogan female on the far side of the lab.

“Oh! Medi-gel quite inappropriate,” Mordin said. “Complex affliction; complex cure. Wouldn't need me otherwise.” He scratched behind Shepard's ears. “Still. Appreciated. Patient has complained of feeling cold; perhaps you could assist?”

Shepard trotted away.

“Use splenetic cells as vector? No. Substitute artificial biomarkers? No. Shepard?” Mordin queried, as Shepard returned.

She deposited another small pack of medi-gel on the bench and looked at him with big sad eyes.

Mordin patted her on the head. “No, Shepard. But thank you. Correct attitude. Actions louder than words. So humans say. Always wondered about mime artists, however.”

Shepard went off again.

“Alternate stimulant and antagonist reactions? No. Utilize interferon messaging? Hmmm. No.”

Shepard returned with another packet of medi-gel, adding it to the two already on the bench.

“Thank you, Shepard,” said Mordin. “But suggest you occupy your time more productively. Sit with female. Provide emotional support. Also, body heat. Although...” Mordin weighed one of the packets of medi-gel in his hand, the other curling around his chin in a thoughtful pose.

Shepard looked up at him in anticipation, her tail wagging.

“No. Medi-gel active delivery system incompatible with krogan self-healing, cannot be re-purposed to deliver cure. Sorry, Shepard,” Mordin said, putting the packet down again. 

Shepard lowered her head and whined. Then she was startled, and her head turned to the door. Suddenly she was off like a shot, bounding across the lab in two great strides. She jumped up onto Eve's bed and dove beneath the blanket.

Before Eve or Mordin had a chance to question her behaviour, the door to the lab opened and Liara walked in.

“Liara,” said Mordin. “Rather busy. Medical matter? Or here to speak to female?”

“Actually, Doctor,” Liara began, but then stopped. She was clearly embarrassed about something. She should have known better than to give Mordin an opening, because he immediately began to make observations.

“Hmmm. Something different. Health problems? Overwork? Fatigue indicators within normal parameters for asari,” he commented out loud, while scrutinizing her. He sniffed at the air around her.

“I thought I saw Shepard come in here...” Liara began.

“Ah!” Mordin exclaimed, cutting her off. Apparently he smelled it on her. “Pregnant! Congratulations! Miracle of life. Joy. Recommend vitamin supplements, less work. Anything else?”

Liara's skin coloured deeply. “Is...?” she began again, hesitantly. “Is Shepard here?”

A small whine came from Eve's direction. Liara and Mordin both turned to look at Eve. “Pardon me,” she said, one hand out of sight under her blanket. “I think I ate something that disagreed with me.”

“Gastric distress?” said Mordin, going to her side immediately. “Not common in krogan, serious consequences. Must check immediately!”

Liara left a moment later, realising that she could neither assist nor interrupt again. Once she had gone, Eve threw back her blanket and took her hand off Shepard's snout. 

Shepard whined again. “Shepard?” asked Eve. “Did you really...?” Eve couldn't even bring herself to give voice to the question. Those lucky damned asari could get pregnant in the twinkling of an eye. Or the wrinkling of a nose. 

Shepard put her paws over her eyes.

“Fascinating!” declared Mordin, who didn't need it spelled out for him. “Seems obvious, with hindsight, asari mating not constrained by exchange of genetic material. Limitations? Social taboos? Issues of consent?!”

“Perhaps you could write a paper on it,” harrumphed Eve. “ _After_ you cure the genophage.”


	5. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An end, once and for all.

“So, what do you think, girl?” asked Kaidan wearily.

Shepard looked up at him. That look he'd been on the receiving end of so many times. The one that said, _do I have to do all the heavy lifting around here?_ The look that inspired him as much as it tired him, the look that drove him to do better, to exhaust himself being a better man, to choose the harder path because it was the _right_ path.

They started walking at the same time, Shepard's shoulder at his knee, and though he was limping and one of her hind legs was dragging, it was obvious that they were of one mind, and headed in the same direction. 

He wasn't afraid. Neither was she. They did what they had to do. They were beyond words, now. He knelt, buried his fingers in the fur at her neck, and raised his pistol.

\--------------------------

Kaidan was surprised. The afterlife felt like shit and stank like dog-breath.


End file.
